Another monologue… this time on a suggestion of “Distant”.
It’s over. Truth be told, I think we’ve both known that for some time. I mean, how long has it been since we’ve even been in the same room together?
I’ve had a lot of time to think. I suppose that’s one of the benefits of time apart. I don’t think I’ve slept properly in a while because of it. I keep replaying everything over in my head. I blamed you for a long time. Did I tell you that? I hated that you made me feel this way, that I was growing resentful of myself. Then I realised that it wasn’t your fault. I was making me feel this way. I got so caught up in feeling angry and feeling sorry for myself that I hadn’t realised I was dragging you into it all.
You don’t need my permission to be angry with me, I know that. But you have it. I do still love you. I hope you know that too. It’s just that relationships can adn do end, y’know? Trying ot hold on to them when they’re not what you need at that point in time just makes things worse. I know if I try to keep you here, you’ll end up hating me, and I don’t want that.
I forgot that you have your shit do deal with. I forgot that it’s my job to help you with that. I forgot that we’re a team, and we have our shit to deal with. I made it all about me, when I should have been making it about us. That’s on me. I did this to us. Not you. I should have realised how insensitive I was being. I won’t try to explain why I did what I did. I had no business interfering with what you tell your family. That’s for you. I had no business trying to force the issue. I know you don’t have the same relationship with your family that I do with mine. That always sat oddly with me. That first Christmas we had at your parents’ place? Remember? For what it’s worth, I think your Mum already knew. They always seem to know.
There’s no point in dragging this out. I thought long and hard about it, and I’d really like us to part as friends. I think we had a really good time togther in between the shitshow. I’d like to keep remembering that part. You’ve been an incredible part of my life, and I can’t even begin to thank you for that. That’s the part I want to keep. I don’t want arguments & recriminations to taint that. That’s not up to me though, I guess.
I do still love you. It’s not the love we started with, but it’s there, and it’s strong. I can only hope you’re able to forgive me someday, then maybe I can forgive myself for putting you in that position.